If you’ve been around for this month, you’ll know that I’ve started a series documenting my fight against depression, which I was diagnosed with earlier this year. It’s taken me almost an entire year to admit publicly that I’m dealing with it, and now, I’m sharing little things that settle on my mind during the week, or during my sessions with the therapist that I see. Yes, I see a therapist. YES, I’m a Christian. YES, I believe in God, Jesus and the mighty power of the Holy Spirit. However, I also believe that while we as Christians acknowledge depression as a spirit, we still have to do all that we can to make sure that our minds and hearts are in the right frame of mind to continue to understand that. This is for my sanity though. My kids need their mom. My husband needs his wife. My brothers need their sister, and my parents need their daughter. I need all of them. Whether I want to admit it or not, I need my family, and I’m willing to do everything in my power to make sure that they have a healthy, happy (when she’s supposed to be) Natasha, and not some ghost of a shell. I had a dream last week that I drowned in a dream, and that is what prompted this post.
This post is about drowning. Figuratively and literally. I came home from running errands, and decided to take a nap while Mr. Houseful stayed up with the kids. I’m not sure how long I was asleep, but I know that I started dreaming about walking a sandbank with some guy who was, I’m assuming, trying to sell me on something. He kept using phrases like prime real estated, and beautiful, and I should get it NOW! Or maybe, that’s what my brain processed him as saying, who knows. Anyway, the tide started to rise, quickly, on the sandbanks, and I found myself getting scared. We retreated off to higher ground, but it was rising there as well. We then found some sort of cave to go into, and sit for a bit. And this is where the dream/nightmare gets SUPER weird and chaotic. Some sea creature tore through the wall that was supporting the cave, and let loose an insane amount of water that immediately filled the cave to the brim, and of course under the water I went. The point in time that I inhaled before being taken over by the water was one of the most intense times of a dream that I can remember, and knowing that my air was going to run out scared me so much. And then, it happened, I looked around to see an escape route, couldn’t find one, and decided to breathe in, under water and just let go. That’s when I woke up.
My heart was pounding, and I was actually scared out of my mind. So, I looked up the meaning of drowning in a dream, and got this:
Drowning
To dream that you are drowning indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Repressed issues may be coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your subconscious thoughts. You should proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is[sic] refers to an emotional rebirth. If your survive the drowning, then it means that a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil. – dreammoods.com
That’s a whole lot to process. So, then I turned to my bible – yes I did and looked up drowning. There are lots of passages of scripture having to do with drowning, most notably the Great Flood and the drowning of Pharoahs men, and I’d like to think that I’m not on that side of the drowning spectrum.
Then I came across this familiar passage of scripture:
Matthew 8:24-27
King James Version (KJV)
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!
It may not mean much to someone who reads it in passing. Even reading the full chapter, you see all of the turmoil that was going on before the calming of the sea, and it puts lots of things into perspective.
Do I fully expect the Lord to calm the sea of frustration and uncertainty in my life. You bet. Do I expect him to do it without some attempt to care from me? Not really. Do I think He COULD – yes, but I have to show some sort of desire to not be totally comfortable in these storms of life. Giving up seems easy. Giving up seems like the route that I want to take so often, but I have work to do on this earth, and I want to make sure that the storms of this life don’t deter me any more.
If you’re just joining in to this discussion, you can find other posts regarding this Here and Here.
I am so glad that you are doing this series on your blog. I don’t know that I will ever be able to really share my story because my hubs isn’t comfortable with me sharing some of the health issues I had associated with my anxiety and depression. Something I found helpful was a book that my counselor had me read. It has a lot of good self-assessment tools in it, which you might find useful. The book is called Self-Coaching, and you can find it on Amazon with a lime green cover (in case this link doesn’t work).
Thank you Andrea! So often, we hide behind the stigma, and to be honest, I still kind of want to hide. For so many people, they think that depression and anxiety are things that send people over the edge, and that they turn into the unsubs that you see on Criminal Minds. I’m hoping to change the view of at least ONE person on that, and to also encourage at least ONE person to go and get help that they need in order to just feel better. I appreciate you following the series. 🙂