Happy Monday! It’s snowing here, and I’m actually a bit excited! My mood has been up and and down, and I’m looking for the little things to revel in. Mostly the little things have been marching in very dependably, and I’ve been more up than down. Alas, this thing called depression is still very, very difficult to open up about. Blergh.
For a bit of time, I had to go on a hiatus from seeing my therapist, because they moved offices to establish a practice for themself. Until our insurance kicked in, I wouldn’t be able to see them. It’s hard to open up to someone and then they leave, and you’re kind of stuck. It’s also hard to admit that you have that type of dependency on someone. Especially, when you’ve built walls to keep most people out. I wish that I could really explain to some of my CLOSEST friends how awesome I think that they are when I share private things with them. It means that I trust them, and I don’t take that trust lightly. However, I think that it reads as if I’m also too dependent in that manner as well. It’s a gross feeling.
The great news is, that same therapist kept tabs on me through email for some months while waiting on insurance authorization to come through, and at no cost at that. See, all therapists aren’t money thirsty folk only after. I’m pretty positive that their job IS to listen, and let you rehash things and even challenge you to think for yourself. It’s a good thing that they don’t know your life story, and they can only go from what you tell them.
I’m rambling, yet, I don’t know. I feel a little lighter. Still not that “free” that so many people talk about. I keep trying to come back to scripture that is familiar to me, and I’m coming short, and I’m embarrassed that nothing POPS for me at the moment. Sure, I could look up depression verses in the bible and apply any of them to my situation, I’m positive. However, I want a passage of scripture to speak to me so strongly, that I end up memorizing it, and reciting for comfort. I’m still on the search. Mostly because I want to reconnect with the spiritual aspect of fighting this. For ME, it’s important, and it’s the route that I want and need to go down in order to feel like myself again. My Christianity is important, no matter how much it’s being stigmatized and prostituted for television (that’s another blog post.)
What I did want to talk about today (of course after that super long intro) was the fact that every session hasn’t been comfortable for me. Some days I’m pretty upbeat, and MOST of the time, I’m fighting back tears, and frustration, and even silent. Sometimes the silence is comforting, sometimes it’s the MOST uncomfortable thing on earth, and it’s even more maddening because therapists can stay silent for a LONG TIME.
I have that therapist. They want me to talk through my problems, and for me, and from what I’m guessing, lots of you, talking through and admitting out loud that something is wrong with you, or your family, or your friends, or YOU, is pretty hard. It’s ridiculously tough for me. I hate it, but I love what it’s bringing about.
Trying to find my triggers is proving to be very difficult. I’m not sure what it is, and I think that I also may be blocking myself from even attempting to figure it out, because that means that I would have to work to not let that trigger set me off. See? I’m not as perfect as I want to be. 🙂
Hopefully, this series will continue to motivate, encourage, and even enlighten. Hope that you continue the journey with me.
I’m listening and sending you virtual hugs, miss. <3 ya.
Kerissa Blue says
This is normal. I can recall a few sessions where I just would cry and cry and say I hate my life. I’m such a perfectionist and my life isn’t, lolol. Dr. C would pray, sometimes she’d talk, ask questions or do the silent thing (ugghhh) but she made me work. One piece of advice that made a huge difference was exercise. Getting my heart rate up so my body could produce those happy thingys I needed. Not a gym membership just in the park park or walking briskly. Maybe you could try that too. After my few free visits were used up from insurance, she chatted like $20 for a session. Don’t think I ever paid it but it would have been worth it. God has you!