Sundays used to be a day of great anticipation for me. Back in the day, you know, when I was a teenager and dating Mr. Houseful, it was the GUARANTEED day that I got to see him. In person. And we would find ways to hang out with each other in those precious four or five hours that we had out of the week. Yes. Five hours of church. I go to a black church. It’s our thing. You say something about it, I may get irritated even though I fully know that I have issues with being in church that long now that I am a parent and wife. C’est la vie.
Now, Sundays are a chore for me. They signal the end of the weekend. The day before the last day of getting to spend time with my love – uninterrupted. Days of long football days, which I don’t love as much as I used to, and days of trying to find reasons not to attend church services. Yep. I’ve become that person. Still holding fast to my salvation, but totally irritated with PEOPLE. Church people specifically. I’m constantly trying to find ways to keep my mind from going from praise and worship to embarrassment and disgust at the end of service because someone veiled in the coat of “mean well” says something off the cuff to me.
It’s definitely hard because I have a husband that is a minister. I hear preaching all week. It’s good preaching too! If I had a choice, I would sit and listen to him, but the thing is, HE knows personal stuff and I’m afraid that sometimes the sermon would be geared towards making me feel better instead of just being a sermon. Then again, when you don’t completely share your feelings with your husband, how could it always be geared towards personal? >sigh< Listen, let’s get one thing clear. I KNOW that going to church is not for the PEOPLE. It’s not to be entertained, it’s not for folk to make me happy. However, if we’re to be disciples of Christ, shouldn’t we love like him? I’m not talking the turn your head when people are doing wrong type of “love” but seriously, can someone get FULLY into service without having to deal with being chastised for something? It messes up the entire worship experience, and if it’s not done to uplift then is it being done right in the first place?
I haven’t written about church in a LONG while. My last post had to do with being tired of people asking if I was pregnant. It was a low point for me. Calling to attention my inability to lose weight in my midsection. It also let me know that I have a really quick temper. Make no mistake, comments on my body and whether or not I’m healthy enough by people still strikes a nerve, but I’m learning to temper myself. I am out of shape – however, I don’t want to hear that from people who aren’t really invested in making sure that I’m healthy, but using me as a basis for small talk, or making themselves feel better.
I feel like this is word vomit. Bump that. I’m pretty sure this is word vomit. But I feel better. I did go to church service this morning. I almost backed out when Mr. Houseful said something odd to me this morning. It’s gotten to be that easy for me. Say something that I don’t like, I’m not going to church. Except the problem with that is I’m losing. Badly. Maybe I just need to find another church home where I’m not so connected to everyone in personal ways. I have family, and church members who have known me since I was a kid. I sometimes feel like they still see me as that kid. Unable to make decisions. Parent. Be a wife. So.Much. Guilt. It’s a lot to deal with.
I think that what sent me over the edge is when someone who had read a blog post about my depression pulled me to the side and told me to rebuke the depression because it wasn’t of God. I responded that neither was cancer, but no one had ANY problem encouraging those stricken with it to go and receive treatment. The stigma of depression, or sadness is so taboo in the church,especially the black church (can’t speak for any others) that it really honestly drives those who need the church the MOST – away. We have to stop doing that.
That’s what goes through my brain on Sundays. Moving past the weight of wanting to stay home and hide because I can’t take people. Or go to church, put a smile on my face and maybe, just maybe, something will stick.
Oh, I totally get this post! I haven’t gone to church in years for you know, REASONS. But I do understand where you are coming from. In particular, I think church is supposed to be a refuge and safe place (of course, about Jesus and worship – but sometimes, details can get in the way of that).
Go where your soul can be fed. I know lots of minister’s wives who attend a different church because they can’t be nourished at their “home” church.
Also, people who use fake concern as a way to insult are awful. I’m so sorry. Also also, depression is also stigmatized in the Asian church. Pray harder, you know. Cuz your faith should make you better.
This is a blathery sort of comment because I am tired but just know that I sympathize and hope that you find some peace and whatever it is that you need.
Virginia,
Your comment makes me smile. I do have a friend here in Chicago who is a Pastor’s wife and is Korean. We often meet to decompress, and it’s so wonderful to have someone that doesn’t know every aspect of my life, but TOTALLY KNOWS EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE to sit and have coffee, or eat with. That’s the soul nourishing that I’m looking for.
This right here said so much and I can relate in so many ways. I can’t even type out how long it’s been since I’ve been able to step into my church – the Word is great and I miss that, but the people. They get me every time. I try not to be so sensitive and so open and so giving, but it’s just how I am. It’s the judgmental looks and comments that are said with psuedo-concern and empathy. My boys, especially, miss the fellowship of our church but I physically can’t bring myself to go. Yep, I’m rambling – or word vomiting as you called it, but reading this today helped me immensely. Thank you!
First, it has been a while since I visited. I LOVE the new design. 🙂
Now… this is SUCH a great post. I feel like I could have written this almost to a tee. I have not been to church in over 5 years. Probably more like 6 really. I used to go through those same feelings.
#1 With working full-time, running errands on Saturday, and having to take care of a house full of kids, I wanted a day to stay in my pajamas ALL day long and not be required to be anywhere at a certain time. So, I would find a reason to not go to church.
#2 #1 was easy because I just was not really feeling that church that I was attending anyway. It was a white church that we started attending because my cousins invited us. They had been there for year. The church was 90% white. I did not really like that fact. I liked the services were shorter, and I liked the small, close feeling of the church, but the service was just “different”. It did not have the same soul that would keep my attention in a Black church.
#3 My favorite pastor moved away. He was not replaced for a long time. The Deacons filled in. They were not very good. The church ended up merging with another church. And let me tell you… if you do not like people… you did NOT want to deal with the bunch. Lots of strange things, whispering, and just all around craziness started going on. I stopped liking the place altogether.
#4 My husband had become a Deacon in the church. So, when we got divorced… even though it was MY family that invited us there I did not want to go back and deal with the “Oh I’m sorry.” “Oh what happened. Blah blah blah.”
#5 When we moved we were not longer just 5 minutes from church. This made it easier for me to find a reason not to go.
I never bothered to find a new church where I live now. I think if I did find the right place, I would be ok… but right now I am comfortable with knowing that I have faith even if I do not visit a building.
(((HUGS))) to you on having the courage to post about this!
We don’t go to temple too often anymore because, with services being on Friday nights or Saturday mornings, it’s too easy to find reasons NOT to go. That said, when we do manage to make it there, I revel in the peace I feel. It’s hard to find other times during my week when I can just sit there and think, reflect, pray a little bit.
OMG! I just LOVE how open and honest you are in this post! I feel the same way about church sometimes. Sometimes, I’m more depressed after I leave church than when I came! Church, or should I say the people of the church, have a way of doing that to you sometimes.
But it is important to go to church. And if the one you’re in isn’t making you feel any better, it’s totally OK to find a new one. The switch can be hard. But it’s so worth your spiritual health.
Thanks for peeling back the curtain of your life and letting us in.