It is with great regret and frustration, that I bring you this blog post.
While reading the Facebook Fan Page of one of my fellow mama’s she posted a status about a run in that she had with someone commenting on how “full” her hands were with her – wait for it – THREE CHILDREN.
The day before she posted, I happened to post a status message wondering about the fairy world that I live in. One where parents of children with less than desirable conduct, commenting on how many I have. And believe me – I figure if your children are PURPOSELY disrespectful and rambunctious, there is definitely something you can do about it.
There are a lot of things that I have learned since having children. How to break up sibling fights that are about to start from a simple eye glare across the room. How to cook dinner with one child hanging on my leg, and another in the crook of my elbow. How to help with homework, when the child that you are helping doesn’t really even want to do homework in general.
What I can NOT for the life of me figure out, or accept, is how open people are with how many or few children they think that I should have.
WOMP
For a little background. Mr. Houseful and I had the cellist when we were 20 years old. Juniors in college and not as in love as we thought we would be at the time. We got LOTS of unsolicited advice about how we should have “known better,” and how I should DEFINITELY make sure to keep my skirt down and legs closed so that I could at least seem semi attractive to a future suitor.
Barf.
Fast forward seven years after the birth of the cellist and we’re living in wedded bliss and we get pregnant with the ladybug. Now, I WON’T tell you how many people asked me if I was pregnant when I walked down the aisle, or how many people commented on how fast we got pregnant right after marriage, or even how many people commented on the age difference between the cellist and the ladybug. I won’t.
You’re welcome.
Then there was that time in 2009 where I got pregnant when the ladybug was only 8 months old, we were dealing with some cardiology issues with her, and I lost the baby. One person offered me this sage advice: Well, you have two already. Maybe you all shouldn’t be trying for another one so soon after having the ladybug. Interesting. Maybe you should wear a muzzle whenever you go out into public.
Then we go away to a marriage retreat, and get pregnant with the twizzlers. I stayed pretty quiet about the fact that I was pregnant with TWO babies for a while. Mostly because I was scared that I would miscarry again. I got all types of comments here as well. You all are pregnant AGAIN?! Don’t you watch television?! After this one, you should stop.
Imagine the irritation when the news that I was having TWINS came out. There was waitress at a Joe’s Crab Shack in Houston who actually APOLOGIZED to me for having twins. As if having two babies at one time is something to feel sorry about.
On the opposite side of that, are those people who feel that they should make you feel bad for your lack of children. Not knowing if some of those people who they are chiding about not having any pattering feet in their houses are trying with all of their might, and possibly money TO have a baby, and the “well-meaning” person is doing nothing but rubbing salt in the very open wound of the recipient. Imagine how many times you’ve asked someone about when they are going to finally have a baby, and they’ve actually been trying? I know that I am indeed guilty of this HUGE faux pas, and I’m sorry to everyone that I have ever done this to.
Sometimes, going through something makes you more empathetic to a situation. Other times, it’s knowing that one of your close friends may be dealing with their desires not being fulfilled immediately.
Which then leads me to say – NEVER is it okay to approach someone and comment on how many children or lack of children they have. NEVER. Those who have more than what you think they should are pretty aware of the amount. I mean, THEY have them.
I am going to start answering every “OMG, you have FOUR children?!” with “WHERE?!?!?!”
It’s even more frustrating to me, when other mother’s do this. Especially mother’s with THREE children. Honestly, you have ONE less child than I do, and you want to split hairs here? Let’s not.
While I know that the amount of capitalized words are many, I want you to know that this is honestly a PSA of sorts. I’m really trying to save you from approaching that mother who may have missed her morning cup of coffee, or had that child who may have thrown up all of the Cheerios in the back seat of the car. That mom who is just trying to figure out what she is going to make for dinner tonight. Who needs to figure out how to get one of her children to practice that she loves, and the other to a sporting event that he loves. The mom that loves being a parent, but may be short on patience with adults.
You don’t ever mess with a mama bear and expect not to come back a least a little scared.
Having children is a blessing. Unless you know that families’ financial situation, don’t go throwing around the “but I pay taxes and therefore pay for their children,” argument either. It’s just not nice.
And with that, dear HoNey’s, I bid you adieu, as I go and snuggle with MY Houseful.
My first two were opposite genders, and I got a lot of comments like, “Oh, you have your boy and your girl. Now you can be done.” They were always a bit shocked when I would say I wanted a few more 🙂
That’s what we got as well. Imagine the horror of me adding yet ANOTHER boy and ANOTHER girl to the mix. Bummer, now I have to give two back. Now to just figure out which ones…..
I get the same thing! SMH Or better yet I get the at least you are done. To bad they do not know that I have been trying……. Just because my kids are older…. 18 and 10…. does not mean I am done! The nerve of some people!
It’s comments like that, that I’m talking about. Those – Whew! I KNOW you’re glad that your youngest is almost out of the house – type comments. Maybe I’m too sensitive to the subject of children and amounts. LOL!
“Then there was that time in 2009 where I got pregnant when the ladybug was only 8 months old, we were dealing with some cardiology issues with her, and I lost the baby. One person offered me this sage advice: Well, you have two already. Maybe you all shouldn’t be trying for another one so soon after having the ladybug. Interesting. Maybe you should wear a muzzle whenever you go out into public.” I love this. I love you. And it’s so true. I suffered three miscarriages in all and had my fair share of rude comments from people about what I should and shouldn’t do with my reproductive organs.
I also think it’s annoying that now that I have two boys, I get the questions ALL THE TIME, “So when are you trying for girl?!” as if I somehow wouldn’t be satisfied until we had a female child. I am SO shocked when I see and hear all the dumb things people say to others with kids. Just shut it, peeps!
Right. Shut your traps! We need to make sure that we are being as loving to others as we want them to be to us. And not clutch our pearls when we step out of line and someone calls us on it.
LOL. As a single parent I get all kinds of craziness and I don’t let it slide. My favorite is “I don’t know how you do it”. Like every other mother, one day at a time. Parenting, regardless of your family make up, isn’t easy and everyone is a critic. It’s frustrating but you have to keep on keepin’ on!
Oh we’re truckin’ over this way! And you have it right. My stock answer is “with much prayer and supplication!” That usually makes other mamas laugh, but the judgmental people shut down.
I have 5 kids (1 step, 1 single, twins and the young one). We found out we were pregnant with the young one when the twins were 9 months old. I was asked about everything from birth control to welfare. Prior to the twins, I miscarried and the doctor actually said I lost the baby because the hubs and I weren’t married at the time. People can be idiots.
Maybe that’s why I get so angry. Because of my miscarriage, and because of the friends that number more than just one handful that are struggling at this moment to be able to bring life forth. And I would have popped the doctor right in his nose “accidentally” Hmph!
The line that I get everywhere I go is, “Are **ALL** of these YOUR children?” -with lots of added emphasis on the words “all” and “your”. I’m used to it, but you’re right, it can be rather frustrating sometimes. I get the “So you’re done now, right?” or “You’re not having any more, are you?” question, too.
Lots of people think that the cellist is not Mr. Houseful’s biological child. Mostly because he was seven when we got married. They just couldn’t believe that we held off getting married until we were ready. I know for some it is general curiosity, but the judging statements just bring it all to a head.
*clapping* Love this post!!
Bring a single mother of ONE princess, I’ve come to realize this: children, just like u said, are a true blessing, and each household handles their families differently. One can run and manage a house of 6 children and make it look easy, and someone else can make having one or two children look like a burden. From the little I know of u, you. are an amazing mom, and any child would be lucky to have u, so gurl, go ahead and do as you please with YOUR ovaries.
Aww thanks for the kind words. I’m pretty much solid on shutting people down before they get started now. It’s none of your business. Now, if you want to swap war stories, and how you’ve overcome stories, I’m game. If you can tell me how to quickly get chewing gum out of someones hair, or remove “gold” from noses without causing a riot – I’m ALL ears.
Tell um why you mad son!
It’s happening to too many people that I know. People giving advice about what our limit on children should be, or how the quantity wouldn’t suit them. Bleh!
Although we’ve never really met in person, I always feel like we go waaaaaaaay back. Gurl, umph….can you believe I am speechless? Me? That was AMAZING!
Gee, you make me smile! 🙂
I get the impolite things people do with regards to offering advice. The part where people do the “Wow, you have how many?” a lot of times is more a “Hats off to you – I’m impressed that you are so put together because I know I’m already at my limit.” It often isn’t meant as a negative or a judgement – but how else would you say that so that it doesn’t offend you?
I get what you’re saying, but why not just say – My hats off to you for doing such a wonderful job with your children? I don’t think that a number should come into play at all. Because you never know where that person is on a particular day. A general, “You’re an awesome mom!” would go over a lot better than any implication that I’m doing better than what another person could with the same amount of children. Y’know? And I’m not offended when there are obvious compliments. I am however put off by people assuming that they know my reproductive wishes or how I shouldn’t have anymore children – or how it’s awesome that I have two boys and two girls, so don’t have any more.
The judgmental comments are the ones that I am focusing on for this post. Most of the time, I know when a person is genuinely saying that they think that I rock as a mother (and I admit, that I get quite a few accolades on being a great mom – and I need that sometimes) but they don’t even compare in the amount of comments I get on the quantity of children that I have.
There was a time that I got out of my car with all of the houseful and I overheard someone say – My goodness, it’s almost like a clown car – with a chuckle. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be an insult from their POV – but to me it was. Children shouldn’t feel like if there are more of them, then it’s bad – and adults shouldn’t feel guilty for having children that they can love AND take care of properly.
I am kind of preparing myself for the you-got-a-lot-of-nerve comments at this point. “You two are too old to start trying for a child. Just be glad with the one you have.” Really? I heard quite a bit when I had my daughter (including “34 is a bit old to be having a child, ain’t it?” and “No one will marry you if you are a single parent.” The latter one tickles me [as I look at my husband].) I am convinced that no matter what we do, most won’t have anything good to say. Time to put the blinders on and smile. 🙂
People, especially when it comes to parenting, feel like it’s their job to give you advice and tell you how to do it. We are such a judgmental society – this parent sucks, this one doesn’t, this one is wrong. This one is right.
I think parenting is a lot less black and white than we make it out to be and I don’t know how to change our societal views on this.
That said, people say stupid things ALL the time. Without meaning too. I try to focus less on the actual words and more on the meaning/thought behind it. Some people say stupid things simply because they are trying to be an ass or trip you up. They suck. The people who say stupid things out of genuine love/curiosity/etc, I can handle (usually LOL!).
Oh dear I love this post! I am pregnant with #4 and heck, we might even consider #5 through adoption! Seriously, if we are taking care of them and love them, what is the big deal? 50 years ago, it was no biggie to have 5+ kids (my mom is one of 6 and my dad one of 5), and now you get looked at funny if you have more than 2, MAYBE 3.
Oh and we had a boy, first then a girl, so we got TONS of comments on how we could quit now. Yes, we could, but we didn’t want to!
(I started to read this last week and never finished and then went on vacation but I wanted to finish and comment). People are so harsh sometimes! Just say terrible things! We’ve struggled with fertility issues for years and my husband’s family have said some awful things to my face. I don’t understand why people can’t mind their own business! Good for you and hubbie for forging ahead with as many babies as your heart needs!