I’m kind of weirded out that I’m writing a post about something that I saw at a #BlogHer14 keynote speech, but for very different reasons than what I originally thought that I would. Does that make sense? Hopefully, by the end of my blog post it will. At least, I hope that it will. That’s always my desire when anyone comes to this space, that they walk away with a better understanding of me, and my thought process. On why I’m enough, just the way that I am.
Today, I’m trying to escape. Mostly, trying to escape the feeling of not feeling validated by the people who I so want validation from. I went and hung out at my favorite ramen restaurant in the city – Strings, and then I did the unthinkable. I went and parked in a Target parking lot and didn’t get out of the car. It started to rain, and I felt a sense of peace for a minute. One that I kind of can’t explain, but whatever. I was escaping from my anger, my disappointment, my sense of not feeling valued.
My road to escape started when I was told to just “live saved,” instead of explaining why I perceived something as an act of disrespect. For a person that has been in church ALL of their life, that’s a whole lot of sentence to compute. It’s not the directive that bothered me, but the fact that the directive came from me telling someone who I really wanted them to acknowledge my feelings instead of telling me that I was wrong for feeling a certain way. Not that I was wrong in general – that I can take – but that the way that I processed a situation was entirely wrong, and that the way that I showed emotion was wrong as well. Bull. Dookie.
I’m kind of tired of living in a world where we can’t even FEEL anything as a Christian anymore, and I realized that while I flipped through my photos from #BlogHer14 that this decal that I didn’t understand until sitting in a keynote luncheon, was going to make me feel at least a little bit better today. I’ve never looked better on the outside, but on the inside, I’ve never felt crummier. Being able to sit in the car and cry as the clouds seemed to do this morning allowed me to FEEL better and that’s what’s important. When I started my journey with trying to get a handle on my depression, I probably would have looked at this decal and rolled my eyes. Hard. Because I felt that statements like this, directed towards me, were a lie. There are still days that I feel that way, but I’m happy to report that they are few and far between. It doesn’t come from simply “choosing” to be happy like someone told me to do. Sometimes it’s not that easy for people. For some people, simple words or gestures that others take for granted can cause great joy or pain. It’s up to us to listen a little more.
The Mrs. Band, premiered their first single on the second day lunch keynote at BlogHer, and the video that prefaced it was a tearjerker. For some people, it didn’t connect, but for me, to be able to see all of these wives and moms, and daughters be told great things by their loved ones, kind of made me jealous. For the most part, I am told that actions speak louder than words. For me, WORDS speak loudly. I love being able to hear someone say that they appreciate me, here, on this Earth. That they love interacting with me, and that they love ME. That they think that I am enough. It’s nice to know, don’t ya think? That video speaks volumes about how we as women often go around with these huge smiles on our faces because we don’t want people to know the turmoil underneath, or that we NEED them to know what we’re thinking, feeling, needing.
I can not be a great wife if I don’t feel great. It’s impossible. The desire to overachieve in a familial environment will have you looking BUSTED and then lying to yourself every single time you step up to a mirror. I wanted my innerman to match and believe what this decal was telling me. Sure. I’m cute (and modest to boot) but no matter how cute I look in the mirror, it ain’t working if that’s not the vibe that I’m living with.
I can’t be a great mother if I don’t feel great either. Same goes for being a daughter, or even a blogger. Shoot. You just can’t be a great person if your body and mind aren’t in sync.
It’s kind of like the wolf in sheeps clothing thing. So many of us put on great outfits, maybe some makeup, and make sure that our appearance is acceptable for OTHER PEOPLE. Not for ourselves. We don’t give ourselves permission to be angry, because it’s not what real Christians do. We’re slow to anger, and all that jazz. The thing is – it doesn’t say DON’T get angry, just be slow to get there.
Having a support group is a must. You NEED a tribe. You NEED folk who will be in your corner to let you know that you are valued, and that they HEAR you. You NEED hugs, and prayer, and laughter, and someone to scream with you. You need someone to sing songs that you may have grimaced at hearing for the first time, but secretly, deep down inside, loved. You NEED someone. No woman is an island, and it’s not fair for anyone on this Earth to make her so.
I’m pretty positive that this wasn’t the spin that this post was supposed to take. It was supposed to be a feel good post, and I still hope that it ends that way, because I DO want my readers to feel good. I want you to know though, that having a bad day doesn’t mean that you’re a serial complainer, or that you are a horrible person. It’s okay if you don’t believe what you see in the mirror at first – but it’s important that you get there. It’s important to know that you, as you are, at this very moment, are enough. Alone. With someone. In a crowd. You’re enough. I’m Enough.