11 Years and It Still Hurts
My brothers may kill me for this photo, but I had to put it up. Just so you know, in order from left to right are me, my sister Jessica, my brother Gabriel, and my brother Daniel.
Today marks 11 years since my sister died. For some reason I'm so torn up this year that I'm kind of scaring myself.
She would be turning 30 this year, come June.
We were supposed to celebrate in a HUGE way.
Now, all I have left to remember her is her memory, and at this moment, for me, that's not enough.
Facebook doesn't help much either, because I keep seeing those photos that say some variation of "Like if you have the best sister in the world," and I would click, except my sister would never see it. She never knew about Facebook anyway. It wasn't open to other folks outside of Harvard anyway.
I think about all of the things that I enjoy now, that she never knew about. A certain Mr. Bruno Mars. The Matrix movies, and any of the Iron Man/Avengers stuff. It sounds so silly, doesn't it? To be waxing poetic about singers and movies that my sister wasn't alive to see or hear.
She would have had the same reaction to Whitney Houston's death as I did. Mostly because we spent HOURS singing songs from The Preacher's Wife soundtrack and from The Bodyguard.
I keep thinking about how only the cellist got to be with her for any significant amount of time. She has six (soon to be seven), other nieces and nephews, to hug and kiss and spoil. She might have gotten married and given us some people to spoil as well. My children don't have a maternal aunt. I can't get over that. My brother's kids both have an aunt and uncle, but not mine.
I feel cheated. Mostly because everyone else in my family has someone to pair up with. My mom and dad have each other, my brothers have each other, and then there's me. Left to be weird and try to fill the time that I would initially be on the phone with my little sister with other things. No taking impromptu road trips with my sister. No telling secrets to someone who is bound to me by blood, and the kind of love that doesn't care how many fights you've had, or if you had a big fight. I would have someone to call in the middle of the night and they would answer the phone.
I have friends and cousins who say that they would do this, but let's be real, the only person who would have said this AND not hated me for calling at two in the morning to talk about my irrational fear of going to the circus with my children the next day because of the clowns is my sister.
There are lots of things that I did in reaction to the death of Jessica.
I joined the navy.
I started talking to Mr. Houseful civilly again. ( we were 21 years old - stop holding your breath)
I started doing things the way that I wanted to do them when I wanted to do them because I figured death is final.
Now, I'm here. Blogging away and loving it overall. I have four children, a fantastic husband, and a great life. We aren't poor, we don't go hungry, and we get to do awesome things.
But.
The hole that is still in my heart never gets smaller. I find myself trying to hear her voice the way that I remember it in the car the night before she died. We were talking about her boyfriend and how she was going to miss him when she went to boot camp. She also asked me if I thought that I was going to marry Mr. Houseful. The cellist was happily cooing away in his car seat, and life was good.
I feel like I did the day that she died. Mad. Hurt. Confused. Lost. I haven't attended church at all this month, and I'm not sure that I want to go back any time soon.
I realize that this post is literally a brain vomit, but I felt the need to get this out, otherwise...well.
So, if you all have time today, just say a small prayer for me, please? I'd appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing your a part of your life that is so pivotal if yet still raw. I sincerely hope you will be able to find the peace you need to one day only see the beauty of her life and not the unfortunate circumstance that is her passing. She lives in you, so she will always be a thought away. Her physical existence is no more but it is very apparent that her influence has given your life meaning and made it just that much more appreciated. So, she is continuing her job when it comes to her big sis. Yes, you will never be the same, but that's not a bad thing either because her life meant something and you are the living proof.
Peace & Light
Caroll
Carroll, what a beautiful description...once a sister, always a sister. I know that's true for me. I'm so sorry you all were parted that soon in life.
You are correct! I just wish that her physical being was here along with all the other great stuff that she left behind. 🙁
I don't know what it's like to lose a sibling. But my Father died almost two years ago and it just doesn't get easier. Especially when I see all the similarities between him and my son -and my son will never remember him.
I'm so sorry for your painful loss.
Death is so tough. We know that it's going to happen, we just all wish that it didn't. No one is trying to hurry to get there. I feel like something went wrong because she went before me, or my parents. That's just not how *I* imagined it would be. But we know that it isn't up to us. I take each day as it comes, and I try to make sure that I focus on the good parts. It's still harder than I expected for this year. Thank you for sharing your story.
keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ... 11 years ... time goes by but it still stays with you ...
Thank you Arelis. It definitely does stay with you.
It was so great to meet you tonight and you made my day when you told me how much reading my blog has meant to you lately! I am so glad I got the chance to read some of your writing now, especially such a heartfelt post about your dear sister Jessica. I am so sorry for your loss. As you know, we never get over the death of our loved ones, somehow we just learn to live without them. But our "new normals" are not easy and as you said in one of your comments:
"...just hope that someone else who is dealing with the loss of a very close loved one, knows that sometimes the feeling of that loss can hit you randomly, years later.:
So true!
I went for my annual OB/GYN appt. last week and just sitting in the waiting room brought back so many memories of good times and bad spent there over the years, especially related to our baby girl that left this world too soon. By the time one of my favorite nurses brought me back to an examining room I was in tears and pretty much bawled through the whole appt. Good for me, the doctors and nurses know my story and have been through it all with me, so they don't act like I am crazy when I do that.
The triggers are so hard, as never know when they are going to hit.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way tonight and in the days to come. Jessica sounds like she was an amazing young woman and sister. I am so sorry that she didn't live to see her 30th birthday or to take road trips with you or to be on the other end of the phone line whenever you want or need to call. (((HUGS TO YOU)))
beautifully said, and just made me want to add that our loved ones are always "on the other end of the phone" just in a different way now : (
Kathy,
You don't know what a great help you and your blog have been. I read and cry and read and laugh, and read and reflect. It's so nice to be able to read about someone who knows just how deep in the trenches someone else can be with death and they don't shy away from it. Continue being a bright light for those who are in a dark place.
Oh KATHY. Huge hug.
You're right...it still hurts. I know for the loved ones I have lost, it comes back sometimes just when I think all will be well. I'm praying for you. Really, I am. And thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us, even though I know it had to be difficult.
It hits like a truck, doesn't it? Thank you for being so supportive!
Grief is a funny thing. It flairs up at times that may or may not make sense. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself though by writing and reflecting. I know how it feels. My stepbrother was killed years ago and the loss doesn't so much get easier. I always wonder what he might have done with his life and what kind of relationship he would have had with the chilcren he left behind. I'm praying for you.
Sheri,
That's what makes it so hard sometimes. Imagining what could have been. That's when I get the weepiest. Thank you for coming through.
You have been in my prayers for days, my friend. I'm heartbroken for you; grief never goes away, we just learn to live with it on a daily basis. Take the time you need to grieve this year and every year. Hugs.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers! I appreciate it more than you will ever know. ((hugs))
Wow. Bless you. Thank you so much for sharing that. Today is the anniversary of my mom's passing, and I was feeling so low until I read your post. I followed you and am your new biggest fan. I said a prayer for you and have a strong suspicion you will be fine.....and must be raising the most amazing children! In solidarity.....here's a toast to our lost loved ones.
Thank you for coming through, and big hugs as you have to remember a time in your life that wasn't so pleasant. Thank you for your prayers as well! My kids are indeed amazing - when they aren't writing on walls, or escaping cribs. LOL! *raises glass to you!
Natasha, I met you a year ago and the experience is still fresh with me so if your sister was half as fun & memorable as you I understand (besides she being your sister) why its hard being without her.
You are absolutely right, sisters are irreplaceable. No matter how much our cousins and friends try to step in. I also have a sister & I call her in the middle of the night all through the day just to talk about nothing or about a fear that most would think is silly.
Yes, you have all rights to still miss her and cry. Its her 30th birthday year. Why not do something on her birthday that you know she would have liked. Hey I know you are the best seamstress/sewer in Chicago, I think its time you made a purse, wallet, or something uniquely tied to your sister & give it the name "Jessica."
She is so much a part of you, don't silence her! She is with you and she is comforting you. Hey talk about her. Blog about her. Hey I also know you love to dance so I know you guys made up a few dance steps, teach them to the Twizzlers.
You got me in tears because as I don't know your pain, I do know the love sisters can have. I love my sister & I know from your post here & things I have read you say about her you loved & still do love your sister.
God got you baby girl! He is a comforter but he also allow us to experience the things we need to experience. When you have experience whatever He needs you to experience, he will dry up those tears but he will NEVER remove her from your memory!
Let's celebrate the memories you have of her...but one thing I do want to say: don't exclude those (church members) that God is placing in your path to help you through this rough path. We go to God & his place for comfort, healing, and a word...Get back in church and allow God people to comfort you!
I will say a prayer for the House of Nichols!
Pamela
Pamela,
Thanks for swinging through. You know, it's not the church that I have a problem with per se. It's the fact that so many people want to make it seem as if grief should disappear after a certain time. I'm not down all year long, and I don't think that it should be that difficult for a body of people who do see me all year to understand. You know? And sometimes, you can't always pray the grief away. You HAVE to talk about it, and get it out, and voice it, and cry, and just sit, and still pray, but you have to do something. I loved meeting you last year too, and look forward to many more conferences and many more meetups with you. 🙂
No wonder I sense a sort of connection right after reading the title of your post. I am going through the same situation as well. My only sibling (older brother) died a little over three years ago and the wound in my heart is still fresh. I sometimes think that I'll never get over his loss. 🙁
Anyway, I am saying a little prayer for your sister as well as the rest of your family.
CES,
One thing that has helped me (and I had to figure it out years down the line) is actually writing about it. I have many unpublished blog posts in regard to things that we have done, and conversations that we have had, and when I write each one, I feel a teensy bit better. It doesn't take away any of the hurt, but for a couple of minutes, I'm transported back to when she was here, and we were laughing or even arguing, and life was good.