11 Years and It Still Hurts
My brothers may kill me for this photo, but I had to put it up. Just so you know, in order from left to right are me, my sister Jessica, my brother Gabriel, and my brother Daniel.
Today marks 11 years since my sister died. For some reason I'm so torn up this year that I'm kind of scaring myself.
She would be turning 30 this year, come June.
We were supposed to celebrate in a HUGE way.
Now, all I have left to remember her is her memory, and at this moment, for me, that's not enough.
Facebook doesn't help much either, because I keep seeing those photos that say some variation of "Like if you have the best sister in the world," and I would click, except my sister would never see it. She never knew about Facebook anyway. It wasn't open to other folks outside of Harvard anyway.
I think about all of the things that I enjoy now, that she never knew about. A certain Mr. Bruno Mars. The Matrix movies, and any of the Iron Man/Avengers stuff. It sounds so silly, doesn't it? To be waxing poetic about singers and movies that my sister wasn't alive to see or hear.
She would have had the same reaction to Whitney Houston's death as I did. Mostly because we spent HOURS singing songs from The Preacher's Wife soundtrack and from The Bodyguard.
I keep thinking about how only the cellist got to be with her for any significant amount of time. She has six (soon to be seven), other nieces and nephews, to hug and kiss and spoil. She might have gotten married and given us some people to spoil as well. My children don't have a maternal aunt. I can't get over that. My brother's kids both have an aunt and uncle, but not mine.
I feel cheated. Mostly because everyone else in my family has someone to pair up with. My mom and dad have each other, my brothers have each other, and then there's me. Left to be weird and try to fill the time that I would initially be on the phone with my little sister with other things. No taking impromptu road trips with my sister. No telling secrets to someone who is bound to me by blood, and the kind of love that doesn't care how many fights you've had, or if you had a big fight. I would have someone to call in the middle of the night and they would answer the phone.
I have friends and cousins who say that they would do this, but let's be real, the only person who would have said this AND not hated me for calling at two in the morning to talk about my irrational fear of going to the circus with my children the next day because of the clowns is my sister.
There are lots of things that I did in reaction to the death of Jessica.
I joined the navy.
I started talking to Mr. Houseful civilly again. ( we were 21 years old - stop holding your breath)
I started doing things the way that I wanted to do them when I wanted to do them because I figured death is final.
Now, I'm here. Blogging away and loving it overall. I have four children, a fantastic husband, and a great life. We aren't poor, we don't go hungry, and we get to do awesome things.
But.
The hole that is still in my heart never gets smaller. I find myself trying to hear her voice the way that I remember it in the car the night before she died. We were talking about her boyfriend and how she was going to miss him when she went to boot camp. She also asked me if I thought that I was going to marry Mr. Houseful. The cellist was happily cooing away in his car seat, and life was good.
I feel like I did the day that she died. Mad. Hurt. Confused. Lost. I haven't attended church at all this month, and I'm not sure that I want to go back any time soon.
I realize that this post is literally a brain vomit, but I felt the need to get this out, otherwise...well.
So, if you all have time today, just say a small prayer for me, please? I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for sharing your heart and vulnerability with us. I was uttering a prayer for you all the while I was reading your thoughts. He will watch over you and bless you abundantly as you draw close to Him. Wish I understood your reasons for not being in church and not wanting to go back. It's okay to feel and still mourn; but we also must choose to remember all the beautiful moments and times that we have shared with those we love so much. God bless.
I haven't been because I'm grieving as hard this year as I did the day that she died. This has hit me WAY harder than the last ten years, and I just don't want to be around people who have well meaning intentions but say all the wrong things. It's not just church I'm avoiding, but most situations that put me RIGHT in the middle of a bunch of people who know me. Thanks for coming through, and for your prayers. They are appreciated.
I'm just sending hugs and prayers. Wish I could do more to make it better.
Thank you Lisa. I appreciate them.
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I know what it's like to lose a sister. It sucks. I'm so sorry. xo
It sucks majorly. I thought that I would be a little bit past the gut wrenching sobbing at this point in time though. Unfortunately that's not true. I'm learning more about what full blown love for a person will do to you. However, I am happy to say that I do spend more time laughing about the 18 years that we had together. Thanks so much for coming through.
So sorry for your loss. And I agree, sometimes social media can spark triggers that we just don't like. What you are feeling is real and don't dismiss it. It is very brave that you can share this. That is the first step. God bless you during this time of healing.
Thank you Val! I appreciate you coming through.
Such a sad post. I am so sorry for your pain. My mom says of losing my father that the pain doesn't go away, you just get used to living with it. My dear friend lost her sister when she (the sister) was seventeen and the anniversary is always painful. I will pray for you.
Thank you for your prayers. I feel like I still haven't gotten used to it yet either, although I know that I have. Her bubbly spirit was contagious.
Thank you for sharing your story, sad one though it is, it took some bravery.
I could talk about Jessica all day long! 🙂 I just hope that someone else who is dealing with the loss of a very close loved one, knows that sometimes the feeling of that loss can hit you randomly, years later.
Praying for you Tasha only God can give you that peace. My older sister passed some year ago that why I can feel you. My mother, father and a brother, I just can't explain how I felt but God had to give me that peace. Nothing wrong in missing your sister, love ya
Thank you! I know that I get peaceful feelings at times, but this year, it's as if a dam on the emotions broke, and the floodgates to all of my tears were opened. This entire month has been difficult.
Love and light to you. Thank you for being so candid.
Thanks Sugar! Love you!
Major hugs to you. And I'm praying for calm for you.
Thanks Margaret. I appreciate you coming through.