*this post was approved by Mr.Nicholes before publishing*
Anyone who was alive in the early nineties will know of a little rap duo by the name of Salt N’ Pepa. They made a little gem called “Let’s Talk About Sex” that was met with a mix of surprise and acceptance by the female community. I remember when it came out (I was a decade or so old) that mothers everywhere were covering the ears of their little ones with such disdain, that it just BEGGED to be listened to. And lookie here, I’m posting on the 20th year anniversary of the release! What TIMING!
While I just posted that I grew up in a pentecostal household, my mom was not one to shy away from conversations about sex. I mean, we knew about it early. The correct names for our reproductive organs and everything. Yeah, I was THAT chick that went around using penis and vagina in sentences wondering why on earth it made adults cringe. :- She explained that sex was an act between two people that loved each other and were married (stress the married). Sex was an act that could lead to children, and was something that you were automatically going to do once you got married. In my head it was also something that you would always WANT to do when you got married. Oh the sweet, sweet joys of becoming an adult and parent.
Don’t get me wrong. This man right here:
is unbelievably sexy. He is who my heart goes pitter patter for. Unfortunately, he is suffering and not in a good way. Yep, I’m going to go ahead and put myself on blast. And then we’re going to post a flow chart to troubleshoot this beast of the elephant in the room.
It’s no secret that we were sexually active before we got married. Um, HELLO – our SON was our broom bearer in our wedding, and I was walking around campus junior year of college with a newborn. It is what it is, and I thank the Lord for grace. It’s not even a secret that we had a great time doing what we did. Back then, we were 20 years of age, and not juggling kids,car notes, full time jobs that mattered, parent meetings, bills, rent, and a plethora of other adult fun. Back then we were free.
Now, I WILL say, I do know how to keep this man happy. I just don’t always apply it. As with anything when you are a parent, your energy comes in spurts. And it’s always easier with a smaller amount of children around. I’m just saying. So we have to get creative. And I have to understand that if I don’t do it, someone else will gladly step up to the plate.
Here are a couple of things that I have learned about my sexuality and what leads to me “feeling” sexy.
I’m way more emotional than I would like to admit. I can not get in the mood if my feelings are hurt. No matter how much a person thinks that it’s possible.
I tend to shut down when my life around me is cluttered. I literally can’t do anything.
I tie sexuality in with a groomed look. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not grody, but I don’t feel sexy without that good ol’ eyebrow wax, and hair being “presentable” in general.
I can’t function on fumes. I need energy. I’m not my 20 year old self anymore, and I feel that if I’ve been chasing kids around all day, feeding, making dinner, checking homework, etc…then the last thing that my husband should be asking for is some nookie.
The above were reasons that I gave myself for always saying no, all while ignoring the fact that my husband more times than not needed me in his way. Granted, it’s not always the perfect time, or even the APPROPRIATE time *side eyes all of your high libido people* but the desire is there.
I don’t think that my emotional issue will ever change. If something is not right between us – we’ve started out the day wrong, or there is a big elephant in the room, sex is not going to help. We can resolve and THEN do the thing, but I am not one that can sweep an issue under a rug just to get my rocks off. Sorry. So that is one point that we have come to understand with each other.
The groomed look issue. Whatever! Mr. Nicholes loves ME. Which is one of the many reasons that he wanted to marry ME. He didn’t want to marry my eyebrows or my hair, or my sparkling eyes. He wanted me in my entirety and he understands that sometimes the look me. For a while I thought that he was doing it out of obligation (isn’t self deprecation HORRIBLE) because I was gaining weight and feeling frumpy. Then it kind of hit me. The more he complimented me, the better I felt, and the more *I* started to believe the hype. And after a while, it wasn’t hype anymore. It was truth. I was sexy – belly and all – and I was his wife. An extension of him, and he of me. He understood that I couldn’t be on point EVERY day, but he sure showed appreciation for it when I was. And loved me unconditionally when I wasn’t. I mean, men can get loving when they aren’t attractive, when they are a bit overweight, and EVEN when they aren’t dressing all that well. Why is it that they can and we can’t?
When my house and life are cluttered, I don’t feel any mojo. The Mr. has QUICKLY rectified that by giving me more Chore-play (thanks life twin for that phrase) He has realized that his wife can’t be HIS wife if she is constantly scrubbing those same dishes, or cleaning that same room over and over and over again. The Mr. works a 4×10 week – meaning four ten hour days. I KNOW he is beat when he gets home because travel is not even added into that forty hour week. However, if he can put his best foot forward to help me out around the house, albeit I’m pretty sure he had ulterior motives when he FIRST started, then I can also get with the program.
All this to say, 2011 will be the year of getting back to the action of our college selves. Making each moment spent with each other as sweet as it was meant to be. And in the event that nothing happens one night, laughing until we can’t breathe and realizing that we can give it the ol’ college try the next night.
~Make it a FANTASTIC day!